Sedated Ape

I suppose everyone knows who Kristi Noem is  by now. 

She is the one who shot a puppy dog in the head because it wasn’t a good hunter. Then she killed a goat because it saw too much. 

I’m also pretty sure this was the plot of an early Porky Pig cartoon.

She is part of a GOP long running program that started with Sarah Palin  to try to create a female political candidate that would still be  fuckable despite her personality. It’s still very much a work in progress. They’ve had some close calls (Boebert – Stripper body, strange huge teeth) and abject failures (Project: Huckabee).

Anyway, Noem wrote a political autobiography that I haven’t read because my life span is finite. 

But I have read other political autobiographies. The way they normally work is ghost writer will tell stories about the hardships the candidate overcame, things they’ve accomplished, inspirational crap – stuff like that. The point is that you want people to actually like the author so that maybe they would consider voting for them.  

Noem couldn’t come up with enough stuff like that to fill up a whole book. So her publisher just said “We can’t just sell a 28 page book. Screw it, let’s put the puppy murder story in there too. That will eat up some pages”. 

That was the closest they could come to make her likable. 

I discovered some of he missing chapter titles of her book that didn’t make the cut because they made her look worse than the dog thing

Chapter 21 – I totally just bitch slapped a baby y’all!

Chapter 22 – Why I should be allowed to use the “n-word”

Chapter 23 – Anne Frank  was a bitch that got what was coming to her.

Chapter 24 – The time I ate too much cheese and couldn’t poop for a week

Chapter 25 – How I convinced Marjorie Taylor Greene into starting an Only Fans account

Chapter 26-28  – Shart  stories!

Chapter 29 – Would it have killed Rosa Parks to walk twenty feet to the back of the bus?

Chapter 30 – My desert island child porn picks.

Chapter 31 – Other baby animals that I haven’t killed, but I would if I had the chance. 

Chapter 32 – The time I stuck my finger in a Shetland Pony’s asshole at the petting zoo. 

Chapter 33 – Holocaust, Schmolocaust 

Chapter 34  – Let’s go Astros!

Chapter 35 – Elderly. More trouble than they’re worth?