I suppose everyone knows who Kristi Noem is by now.
She is the one who shot a puppy dog in the head because it wasn’t a good hunter. Then she killed a goat because it saw too much.
I’m also pretty sure this was the plot of an early Porky Pig cartoon.
She is part of a GOP long running program that started with Sarah Palin to try to create a female political candidate that would still be fuckable despite her personality. It’s still very much a work in progress. They’ve had some close calls (Boebert – Stripper body, strange huge teeth) and abject failures (Project: Huckabee).
Anyway, Noem wrote a political autobiography that I haven’t read because my life span is finite.
But I have read other political autobiographies. The way they normally work is ghost writer will tell stories about the hardships the candidate overcame, things they’ve accomplished, inspirational crap – stuff like that. The point is that you want people to actually like the author so that maybe they would consider voting for them.
Noem couldn’t come up with enough stuff like that to fill up a whole book. So her publisher just said “We can’t just sell a 28 page book. Screw it, let’s put the puppy murder story in there too. That will eat up some pages”.
That was the closest they could come to make her likable.
I discovered some of he missing chapter titles of her book that didn’t make the cut because they made her look worse than the dog thing
Chapter 21 – I totally just bitch slapped a baby y’all!
Chapter 22 – Why I should be allowed to use the “n-word”
Chapter 23 – Anne Frank was a bitch that got what was coming to her.
Chapter 24 – The time I ate too much cheese and couldn’t poop for a week
Chapter 25 – How I convinced Marjorie Taylor Greene into starting an Only Fans account
Chapter 26-28 – Shart stories!
Chapter 29 – Would it have killed Rosa Parks to walk twenty feet to the back of the bus?
Chapter 30 – My desert island child porn picks.
Chapter 31 – Other baby animals that I haven’t killed, but I would if I had the chance.
Chapter 32 – The time I stuck my finger in a Shetland Pony’s asshole at the petting zoo.
Chapter 33 – Holocaust, Schmolocaust
Chapter 34 – Let’s go Astros!
Chapter 35 – Elderly. More trouble than they’re worth?
If I could go back in time I’d like to talk to my younger self and tell him “Don’t worry. It will all be okay. Soon you’ll own a time machine”.
Yo mama is so fat that she is at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke. high blood pressure, diabetes, some cancers, gallbladder disease and gallstones, osteoarthritis, gout ,breathing problem and asthma. (I’m not very good at “Yo Mama” jokes)
My personality has saved me a small fortune in condoms over the years
Neighbor has a kid that must be pretty unpopular. It’s depressing to take a walk and hear him in their pool by himself yelling “Marco” over and over.
When people have buck teeth, why are they always the ones in front? Why does no one have buck wisdom teeth?
I was digging around in some old papers and I found my thesis I wrote for an Art History class I took in college called “Nancy & Sluggo: Are they fucking, or what?”
Someone should have told Ruth Pointer that if she’s just “burning doin’ the neutron dance” she should slow down! You’re doing it too fast. Neutron Dance in moderation!(I’m going through my notebook from 1983. I was 9)
Writing a romance self- help book called: Red flags to look for if you suspect you’re dating a Chinese nationalist
Been thinking a lot about cerebrospinal fluid and I just can’t seem to get it off my mind
I remember those lazy summer days when all the kids would get together and play “Duck Duck”. It was a poor neighborhood, we couldn’t afford the “goose” part
You know those condensed soups that say you should add water before you eat it? I’m now ready to concede that it is pretty good advice.
There were weirder looking guys than Teen Wolf when I went to school and nobody made a big deal out of it. One guy looked exactly like a Neanderthal. He was’t dumb or anything , just looked like a cave man. Didn’t like being called “ogg” very much though
Fun Thing: Try to get the kid working the drive-thru to say grace with you when they hand you the bag of food. Most of the time they’ll do it. They’re usually afraid they’ll get in trouble for some reason if they refuse
I think a lot of people regret getting an abortion. I know i do. I did some research online and it turn out I don’t even have a womb and the whole thing was a big waste of time and money
Dictionaries are the Cliff Notes version of an encyclopedia
Today I learned -1) Seeing every episode of MASH and House doesn’t mean I should attempt surgery myself. 2) If you think homeless people are gross looking now, you should see them on the inside!!
Good news: I just came into a large amount of money. Bad news: I’m no longer allowed to take the tour at the Federal Reserve Bank
The guy who invented the glory hole must have gotten beaten up a lot before he found one that worked
I’m 50 , but I still have the body of an 20 year old. Please don’t tell the police
Fact – Male Wet Nurses earn less than half of what their female counterparts make. How is this fair?
There should be a Pulitzer Prize for Tweet Writing, and I should get it because i thought of it first.
If it’s really IMPOSSIBLE for some people to lose weight how come you never see even one chubby Jew in those concentration camp photographs?
The saddest part of working at the post office was sending all the mail-order brides back because of insufficient postage
Rice Krispies have been saying the same three things for over 50 years. get some new material
Glitter on the mattress
Glitter on the highway
Glitter on the front porch
Glitter on the hallway
The b52s aren’t getting their deposit back
They shouldn’t have got the black guy from Police Academy to do the DVD commentary track. 90 mins of a guy sounding like a helicopter- that gets old quick
At some point what started out as a grocery list turned into a manifesto….
Bad sign – you have a bottle of blue cheese salad dressing on your nightstand
You people know they will sell you just the frosting right?! You don’t need to mess with that “cake” bullshit.
Does renting videos on iTunes and never watching them before they expire count as a hobby?
Movie Trivia: Neil deGrasse Tyson wasn’t the black guy in Hot Tub Time Machine. They used a lookalike
Went to a thrift store grand opening – nothing but empty shelves
Well, Hallmark has officially rejected my freelance line of “I’m glad you’re not dead yet” greeting cards. Still haven’t heard back about my line of “Thanks for not molesting me, alcoholic stepdad” cards
I don’t mind storms. Silly to worry about them. Your chances of getting hit by lightning are exactly the same as getting hit by lightning
People who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it. But that also means that people who do learn history have to repeat it too. There isn’t a separate reality just for people who did well in History class
Since I’ve found out what furries are, I’ve never been able to look at baseball mascots the same way again
I keep donating money to a group that’s trying to bring FDR back from the dead. So far they best they can do is “technically alive, but very sleepy”
Science has came a long way. Today prostate cancer can be treated with early detection, chemo having your penis and rectum removed
Nature fact – Everyone knows oceans they’re wet, but they’re actually even wetter than you imagine
When buying a gun for the first time most people forget to consider “mouth feel”
I’m been banned from every strip club in the state for bringing in my large penny jar.
Gambling Tip – They call them chips, but you shouldn’t try to eat them. Unless your playing baccarat, no one understands the rules of that game, so maybe you’re supposed to eat the chips. It seems unlikely that you’re supposed to eat them, but no one can tell for sure in that game.
A long time ago my mother left me a note. I sent it to a blog that was popular back when it was possible for blogs to be popular called “Passive Aggressive Notes”. The person who ran the blog got a book deal. This is the book
This was the note my mother left me that they used in the book.
One, it seems to encourage his followers to interact with you. They seem to think that if you’re a Democrat that means you’re tolerant and if your tolerant that means you’re willing to tolerate them. That’s not the case.
Mostly though, it’s just low hanging fruit. No, not even that. It’s fruit that falls right off the tree into your basket. Already cleaned an peeled. And canned. And shipped to the distribution center. Then shipped to your local grocer store and stocked on the shelf. Purchased, brought home and baked into a pie. A pie that was already eaten, passed through your digestive system and shat out. The waste has then been sent to a water treatment plant where it has been cleaned and re-released back into the river where it makes it way down into the ocean where is it’s evaporated and falls back to the earth in gentle rain. Rain that helps bring nutrients to new fruit trees who will one day have their own fruit. And that fruit will also be low hanging. Not even that. it’s fruit that falls right off… well, you can see where I’m going with this.
43% of the pardoned turkeys on Thanksgiving go on to reoffend
All the sex scenes in Game Of Thrones are ruined by knowing what the author looks like
If Warner Brothers started making live action remakes of their cartoons like Disney does it would just be two hours of animal abuse
I feel sorry for all the ghosts that get stuck with haunted corn maze duty
Well, I’ve been wearing leather and hanging out with teenagers in public toilets for two months now. I’m really starting to wonder how these Fonzie schemes are supposed to ever make any money
I just watched a documentary on Amelia Earhart. She disappeared 86 years ago and people are still looking for any trace of her all these years later. And she wasn’t even that pretty
I think gender reassignment surgery should be allowed for all minors, but should only be used as a punishment
I remember getting suspended for three days back in school. The worst part was that I was home schooled and it was really cold out.
Got fired from the M&M store for sneaking some Advil into the bin
Why don’t we just add another “o” to the end of opossum? Opossumo. Silent “o’s” all around! Anarchy in the streets!
I know they were using the initials first, but the British Broadcasting Corporation needs to find something else to call themselves
I don’t like it when drunks of addicts say that they are “struggling with their personal demons”. Ok mister big shot, you think you get your own demon to yourself? Get over yourself- there aren’t that many demons out there, you have share. And they aren’t really YOUR demons anyway. Pretty sure demons are still the property of Hell, they’re just loaned out.
Little known fact- Jim Henson used to masturbate with the puppet on so it looked like Kermit was giving him a blowjob
I’m not a good driver and I hate doing it. It’s so boring. I was taught that you were supposed to put your left hand on the wheel at ten o’clock and the other one at two. That’s a LONG boring four hours to have wait in a parking lot with one hand on the wheel.
Turns out if you try to hire a clown they’re suspicious if you’re an adult and the “party” is just you and them
When the first of the Wonder Twins dies, the other will just have to get a regular job
There is no logical reason why shaking hands with a baby is any weirder than shaking hands with anyone else, but it definitely is
Sedated Ape 