Sedated Ape

If I could go back in time I’d like to talk to my younger self and tell him “Don’t worry. It will all be okay. Soon you’ll own a time machine”.

Yo mama is so fat that she is at a greater risk of heart disease, stroke. high blood pressure,  diabetes, some cancers, gallbladder disease and gallstones, osteoarthritis, gout ,breathing problem  and asthma. (I’m not very good at “Yo Mama” jokes)

My personality has saved me a small fortune in condoms over the years

Neighbor has a kid that must be pretty unpopular. It’s depressing to take a walk and hear him in their pool by himself yelling “Marco” over and over.

When people have buck teeth, why are they always the ones in front? Why does no one have buck wisdom teeth?

 I was digging around in some old papers and I found my thesis I wrote for an Art History class I took in college called “Nancy & Sluggo: Are they fucking, or what?”

Someone should have told Ruth Pointer that if she’s just “burning doin’ the neutron dance” she should slow down! You’re doing it too fast. Neutron Dance in moderation!(I’m going through my notebook from 1983. I was 9)

Writing a romance self- help book called:  Red flags to look for if you suspect you’re dating a Chinese nationalist 

Been thinking a lot about cerebrospinal fluid and I just can’t seem to get it off my mind

I remember those lazy summer days when all the kids would get together and play “Duck Duck”. It was a poor neighborhood, we couldn’t afford the “goose” part

You know those condensed soups that say you should add water before you eat it? I’m now ready to concede that it is pretty good advice.

There were weirder looking guys than Teen Wolf when I  went to school and nobody made a big deal out of it. One guy looked exactly like a Neanderthal. He was’t dumb or anything , just looked like a cave man. Didn’t like being called “ogg” very much though 

Fun Thing: Try to get the kid working the drive-thru to say grace with you when they hand you the bag of food. Most of the time they’ll do it. They’re usually afraid they’ll get in trouble for some reason if they refuse

I think a lot of people regret getting an abortion. I know i do. I did some research online and it turn out I don’t even have a womb and the whole thing was a big waste of time and money

Dictionaries  are the Cliff Notes version of an encyclopedia 

Today I learned -1) Seeing every episode of MASH and House doesn’t mean I should attempt surgery myself.  2) If you think homeless people are gross looking now, you should see them on the inside!!

Good news: I just came into a large amount of money. Bad news: I’m no longer allowed to take the tour at the Federal Reserve Bank 

The guy who invented the glory hole must have gotten beaten up a lot before he found one that worked

I’m 50 , but I still have the body of an 20 year old. Please don’t tell the police

Fact –  Male Wet Nurses earn less than half of what their female counterparts make. How is this fair?

There should be a Pulitzer Prize for Tweet Writing, and I should get it because i thought of it first.

If it’s really IMPOSSIBLE for some people to lose weight how come you never see even one chubby Jew in those concentration camp photographs?

The saddest part of working at the post office was sending all the mail-order brides back because of insufficient postage

Rice Krispies have been saying the same three things for over 50 years. get some new material

Glitter on the mattress

Glitter on the highway

Glitter on the front porch

Glitter on the hallway

The b52s aren’t getting their deposit back

They shouldn’t have got the black guy from Police Academy to do the DVD commentary track. 90 mins of a  guy sounding like a helicopter- that gets old quick

At some point what started out as a grocery list turned into a manifesto….

Bad sign – you have a bottle of blue cheese salad dressing on your nightstand

You people know they will sell you just the frosting right?! You don’t need to mess with that “cake” bullshit.

Does renting videos on iTunes and never watching them before they expire count as a hobby?

Movie Trivia: Neil deGrasse Tyson wasn’t the black guy in Hot Tub Time Machine. They used a lookalike

Went to a thrift store grand opening – nothing but empty shelves

Well, Hallmark has officially rejected my freelance line of “I’m glad you’re not dead yet” greeting cards.  Still haven’t heard back about  my line of “Thanks for not molesting me, alcoholic stepdad” cards

I don’t mind storms. Silly to worry about them. Your chances of getting hit by lightning are exactly the same as getting hit by lightning

People who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it. But that also means that people who do learn history have to repeat it too. There isn’t a separate reality just for people who did well in History class

Since I’ve found out what furries are, I’ve never been able to look at baseball mascots the same way again

I keep donating money to a group that’s trying to bring FDR back from the dead. So far they best they can do is “technically alive, but very sleepy”

Science has came a long way. Today prostate cancer can be treated with early detection, chemo having your penis and rectum removed

Nature fact – Everyone knows oceans they’re wet, but they’re actually even wetter than you imagine

When buying a gun for the first time most people forget to consider “mouth feel”

I’m been banned from every strip club in the state for bringing in my large penny jar.

Gambling Tip – They call them chips, but you shouldn’t try to eat them. Unless your playing baccarat, no one understands the rules of that game, so maybe you’re supposed to eat the chips. It seems unlikely that you’re supposed to eat them, but no one can tell for sure in that game.

Why Not A Duck