Sedated Ape

43% of the pardoned turkeys on Thanksgiving go on to reoffend

All the sex scenes in Game Of Thrones are ruined by knowing what the author looks like

If Warner Brothers started making live action remakes of their cartoons like Disney does it would just be two hours of animal abuse

I feel sorry for all the ghosts that get stuck with haunted corn maze duty

Well, I’ve been wearing leather and hanging out with teenagers in public toilets for two months now. I’m really starting to wonder how these Fonzie schemes are supposed to ever make any money

I just watched a documentary on Amelia Earhart. She disappeared 86 years ago and people are still looking for any trace of her all these years later. And she wasn’t even that pretty

I think gender reassignment surgery should be allowed for all minors, but should only be used as a punishment

I remember getting suspended for three days back in school. The worst part was that I was home schooled and it was really cold out.

Got fired from the M&M store for sneaking some Advil into the bin

Why don’t we just add another “o” to the end of opossum? Opossumo. Silent “o’s” all around! Anarchy in the streets!

I know they were using the initials first, but the British Broadcasting Corporation needs to find something else to call themselves

I don’t like it when drunks of addicts say that they are “struggling with their personal demons”. Ok mister big shot, you think you get your own demon to yourself? Get over yourself- there aren’t that many demons out there, you have share. And they aren’t really YOUR demons anyway. Pretty sure demons are still the property of Hell, they’re just loaned out.

Little known fact- Jim Henson used to masturbate with the puppet on so it looked like Kermit was giving him a blowjob

I’m not a good driver and I hate doing it. It’s so boring. I was taught that you were supposed to put your left hand on the wheel at ten o’clock and the other one at two. That’s a LONG boring four hours to have wait in a parking lot with one hand on the wheel.

Turns out if you try to hire a clown they’re suspicious if you’re an adult and the “party” is just you and them

When the first of the Wonder Twins dies, the other will just have to get a regular job

There is no logical reason why shaking hands with a baby is any weirder than shaking hands with anyone else, but it definitely is